dear willow,

dear willow,

Monday, August 5, 2013

loss and hope.

it's been almost two years since our first loss.
you can read levee's story here.

i'm writing this for anyone who is walking through the fire right now.

it gets easier to breathe.

there are times that i'll be sitting at a red light
and just gasp.
because i cannot believe that we walked through
what we did and are not just living,
but thriving today.

not an hour goes by (literally)
that i don't ache to hold levee and meadow
or wonder what that moment would be like
with two more little ones running around
and laughing. 

weekly someone asks me when we are having another one
or says "wow, must be so easy with only one"
and it stings. so bad.  
and i want to say 
"I HAVE THREE! and i would give anything
to clean up after them or chase them at the park or to be 
as exhasted as you are".

but through all of that hurt and pain,
there is joy.
because we have chosen it.

i'm not happy that my babies died inside of me.
but the joy of the Lord is my strength.
and i mean it.

to have experienced the peace that we did
when we handed levee to the nurse for the last time,
we feel so blessed and fortunate.
some people go through life never feeling that.

sitting at lunch today
(watching willow play)
W and i both teared up at the thought of 
losing them.

i say this to say that
it will always always hurt.
but you will smile again.
you will laugh again.
and you may one day thank God for choosing you to be the one
to be their momma.
i have.

and heaven is so much sweeter now.
there is no fear.
and not because i love jesus.
but because He has my whole heart and my whole life.

if you are walking through this, 
i'd be honored to walk with you.
i will pray with you and answer the 
questions that are hard to ask.

i had a friend who walked with me
and i feel fortunate to be able to pay that forward.





17 comments:

  1. My heart both aches and sings hearing of God's faithfulness to your family through such pain

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  2. I have a friend who lost one of her children. She tells people she has five boys. Four living and one she will meet one day in Heaven. God's grace is so sufficient to meet all our needs regardless of what they are. I'm so grateful that God has given you and W such peace to walk through such a difficult fire. Many blessings!

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  3. I have a friend that tells people she has five children. Four are living and one she will see one day in heaven. I'm so glad that God's grace is sufficient for all trials and fires regardless of who we are, where we are in our walk with Him, or what the fire may be. Many blessings to you and your family!

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  4. oh kimmie...so blessed to have you as a friend. i know our situations are not the same but i know that gasp of air just before you try to answer when they ask "when are you having more kids" or "are you done having babies" my thoughts always run to the identical twins who were with sophia and the other babies who didn't make it for some reason. But God is good AND sovereign! we are both so blessed to have our miracle girls with us and that we will see our angel babies in heaven!!!

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    Replies
    1. you know I hurt with u :(
      Thank u for your encouragement!

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  5. You walked through this with me and it meant so much. I tell friends that I used to pray, "Lord, I want to be here to see my children grow, I'm not ready for heaven just yet." Now I pray a much different prayer, "Lord, I'm ready always." Seeing our angel baby in heaven is something I yearn for and I know you feel that ache that I feel. I feel so blessed to have another baby on the way - my rainbow- and I get so discouraged when people say, "Wow, you have your hands full!" or "Another one? Wow. You are brave." I think that hurts me like it does you when people talk about you having only one. I want to shout - I would give anything to have three to chase and then four but people don't understand and I know they don't mean any harm, but I want to wear it on my shirt or tattooed on my forehead - I treasure each of these children and will parent them with grace. We pray and talk to God each day about the child we lost and call her by her name, "LEO" because she is another treasure we will find in heaven.

    Hugs to you, friend. You have held so many hands and lifted up so many. Thank you for that and I thank the Lord for the gift we have all had in you.

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    1. you were the first that I was ready to walk with and it blessed me so much.
      thank you for sharing that perspective with me!

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  6. You walked through this with me and it meant so much. I tell friends that I used to pray, "Lord, I want to be here to see my children grow, I'm not ready for heaven just yet." Now I pray a much different prayer, "Lord, I'm ready always." Seeing our angel baby in heaven is something I yearn for and I know you feel that ache that I feel. I feel so blessed to have another baby on the way - my rainbow- and I get so discouraged when people say, "Wow, you have your hands full!" or "Another one? Wow. You are brave." I think that hurts me like it does you when people talk about you having only one. I want to shout - I would give anything to have three to chase and then four but people don't understand and I know they don't mean any harm, but I want to wear it on my shirt or tattooed on my forehead - I treasure each of these children and will parent them with grace. We pray and talk to God each day about the child we lost and call her by her name, "LEO" because she is another treasure we will find in heaven.

    Hugs to you, friend. You have held so many hands and lifted up so many. Thank you for that and I thank the Lord for the gift we have all had in you.

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  7. As a sister who has lost a brother 3 years ago, I always dread the infamous "So how many siblings do you have?" and can never answer it and I know my parents have just as hard of a time answering the "How many children do you have?" but my mom answers it pretty much the same as you! :-) I found your blog through SkinnyRunner and I am incredibly amazed by your strength. God Bless you and yours.

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    1. my goodness thank you for sharing.
      can't imagine losing someone like a sibling that I've known my whole life.

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  8. Thank you for sharing your story. What a testimony to your faith!
    xox

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  9. I just read your story, thank you so very much. This post echoes my heart after having a miscarriage. So hard to be a momma to a baby that you'll never see grow-up.

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    1. thank you for sharing. it is so SO hard but God is good :)

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  10. Another blog that I read had a link to your story. I had been saving it for a day when I was ready to read about loss and especially about hope. My husband and I have been going through fertility issues and have been trying to have a baby for so long. I have been so caught up in my own feelings, sadness, anger and wondering "why is this happening to me," that I have forgotten that all of this is out of my hands.

    Your beautiful story (and Levee's story) has reminded me that I need to rely on my faith to stay strong and realize that this is not my plan, but God's plan. It is so tough to do that!!!

    You are a wonderful inspiration of strength and faith and I am glad that you were brought into my life today.

    Have a nice day,
    Angela

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whacha think?