dear willow,

dear willow,

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

pregnancy after loss.

i wish i had superpowers and could prevent anyone from losing anyone. ever. 
because it's so. hard. 


pregnancy after a loss {can be} so so beautiful. 

when we found out about this little baby growing, satan instantly began to try and manifest himself in us. every part of our lives, he would try to sneak in and try to destroy any joy we had. 

first, it was the expectation that we would go into the initial sonogram and get bad news right away. then it was the daily (hourly) expectation that his heart was no longer beating and i would walk into that little dark sonogram room expecting *this* to be the silent one. because y'all, there's just not a lot worse than a silent matter how many weeks you've been carrying that precious baby. truly, it's never easier or harder. the instant you find out you're pregnant, you fall in love with that little baby who you're a momma to.  and losing that is losing such a big piece of you. 

so we are going through each day expecting it to be the last day with that little heartbeat in me. can you imagine? we have the God of hope and yet we choose to believe the enemy? every day is a walk through the battleground and to quote an awesome video that my friend lauren sent me, "though the enemy surrounds me, my God surrounds the enemy". woohoo! 

i think the toughest struggle for us was that we KNEW what could happen. and we also know that if we lost this baby, that God still loved us. i remember feeling foolish & naive for believing we would hold this warm baby alive. because we'd lost babies before and it could absolutely happen again. but i think it's our human (sinful) nature to put your guard up when you've been hurt. and the devil knew that was our weakness and my goodness did he go after that. we have to completely (and constantly) surrender our fear/anxiety/doubt and command satan out of our lives. 

so what's beautiful about this? 

the deepest intimacy with our savior. being completely focused on the kingdom realm and what a vapor this life here is. living and breathing His word. being hungry and thirsty for what He says. about everything. being SO EXCITED for the day He calls us home. knowing we have babies who have walked with Jesus...who have played with gentle lions...who know what the apostle Paul looks like and sounds like. can you imagine? 

having our eyes truly fixed on the things above and knowing that we are here for one purpose (to know God and make Him known). 

that is beautiful. 

but if you're like me & 
want some bullet points of how to 
survive the toughest moments,
here's some things that i did & am doing. 

>>pick a song that becomes an anthem for you. 
the morning we had our first sonogram, 
i had my alarm set unknowingly to music. 
christ tomlin "angel armies" woke us up
and we layed there listening to the whole thing
and it really got us in the mindset of remembering
God is before us, behind us & 
those angel armies are all around us. 

>>read birth stories.
sure it's a bit strange to read the birth stories
of people you don't know, but it helped
me start to imagine having a live baby
instead of a silent OR.
i still fall asleep a lot of nights reading
these stories. :)

>>find a friend that has been there. 
most likely you won't have to find them,
God will place them right in front of you.
ask friends if they know someone or talk to me. :)
having someone that you can call or text
and just say "can't do this"
& then have them encourage you
with His promises is so so valuable.

>>be honest with your doctor.
never hesitate to call and ask them to
peek at your little one for some peace of mind.
doesn't make you weak. :)

>>buy a Doppler heart monitor.
in those early weeks when you can't quite
feel the flutters,
this thing is a MIRACLE.
you can find them on amazon or eBay for about $50.

i promise if i can do it! anyone can. :)

1 comment:

whacha think?