dear willow,

dear willow,

Wednesday, December 18, 2013


that word and the meaning of it has been on my mind for a while now. certainly with this little boy, we are praying for the miracle of his life. desperately wanting to hold him and feel his heartbeat and warmth HERE.

and then seeing my dear friend experience her miracle of a little boy before handing him over to Jesus.

and then there's this whole idea of the miracle of healing.

lunch with a friend last week brought on her asking the question "has anyone ever prayed over you for healing?". (the answer is a thankful yes. many times.)

then, i watched the story of a lady i've known for many years and she is experiencing a miracle of physical healing. willow was taking a rare nap, so i sat down to watch it and within the first minute, the ugly cry started. she and i have had a very similar (but wrong) idea of what physical healing would look like. i know that God has been planting different situations in my life and preparing my heart for a word from Him.

y'all, my struggle has been tough lately. winter is harder. if you didn't know me last october, i went to New York and got a very detailed explanation of what's going on in my body.

i'm going to share everything with you. ahhh, that makes my stomach hurt. these are facts, not a pity party. then, i'm going to list a very specific prayer request. i'm asking you to pray for a miracle. for a supernatural healing on this earth. i know without a doubt and want to be clear that God gives me the strength every single day to thrive, but i'm ready to boldly ask for more so that HE can be glorified.

so, here it goes...

basically, there is a bone in my neck (the odontoid) that is retroflexed (bent backwards) into my brain stem. so anytime i move my head/neck the tiniest bit (to nod, talk, ride in the car, etc) that bone is digging into my brain stem. the brain stem controls all of the major organs so that's why i will always have annual testing to see how much damage has been done. i wear a neck brace in the car to increase the odds of survival if i was to get into an accident. if i'm hit, that bone will pretty much cut my brain stem in half. it's really scary. and you can imagine the amount of anxiety i have when i get into the car, knowing that those moment could VERY possibly be my last. and even more so when someone else is driving. (i'm no doubt the most obnoxious person to ride with)


also, because i've had 2 surgeries with a large incision in the back of my neck, the muscles can't heal properly. they also aren't strong enough to support my head. they wear out quickly and it becomes a huge task just to hold it up. it's like a bowling ball on a noodle...also called craniocervical instability. the top two vertebrae were cut out during surgery, so that makes the muscles work even harder. so with a wobbly head and neck, the brain stem is taking even more of a beating. and with muscles that are overworked, it makes simple things really talking. this is something that really breaks my heart because i love love love reading to willow. so i do, but it hurts so so bad after. i stay home a lot of times when there are evening activities because by that time, my muscles are spent and i just don't have it in me. i am constantly saying no to things that i really really want to do but i'm trapped and don't have another choice. so if i'm always a no-show, please know it's not because i don't want to be there.


the surgeons put a titanium plate and 16 screws in the back of my head since they removed a large piece of my skull. because of the surgeries, my nerve endings aren't like they would normally be, and when i put any pressure on the back of my head (from laying down or sitting back in a tall chair/couch), the nerves touching the "inorganic material" of the metal, creates some crazy, hard to describe pain. so as tired and worn out as i am at night, i dread actually laying down because of the pain that is to come. and when i wake up in the night, it's really really hard to get back to sleep because of it.


because of the way my spinal fluid goes around my brain, there is a constant "drip" on the pituitary gland. this is what helps to regulate temperature. but with the years of the dripping, the gland which should be nice and round, has become concave. so i stay either FREEZING or reallllly hot. the annoying part of this is that when i'm cold, i shiver and that causes that bone to "saw" the brain stem. it hurts but more than that, it's really scary for me. because i know that at some point enough is going to be enough and there's nothing that can be done about it.


i believe that God can perform these miracles if that is what will bring the most glory to His name.

my hearts desire is to be used by Him. if He doesn't choose to heal me physically, I'd ask for you to:


one who listens. someone who has a heart for mommas that are in pain and want nothing more than to have a full life with their family. someone who will talk with my doctors in New York and come up with a game plan uniquely for me. this sounds crazy, huh? but i'm gonna pray for it. :)

for those who have prayed for me over these past 11 1/2 years, thank you. please don't grow weary or lose faith. keep knocking. and for those that will pray now, thank you. i can't wait until we can all bow before the throne (pain free!) and thank Him for His goodness.


  1. God is the great healer......You will remain close to my heart and in my constant prayers......Jackie Stedman

  2. Praying for you and your family......
    Bob and Jackie Stedman


whacha think?