one.

its 3am & willow & i are wide awake. me, courtesy of a decadron shot yesterday morning. willow, because she's a sensitive soul like her momma.

i think its pretty appropriate considering this time last year i was wide awake anticipating the birth of our first son, levee. it had been three days since we found out we'd never change his diaper, play rough & tumble on the floor with him or see him be a "big/little brother" to his sister. true heartbreak. i was so ready hold him & see his face but just as much wanted to keep him warm in my belly forever.

a year has passed & i continue to think of him all day long. after also losing meadow, the sight of willow playing alone is a bit haunting. so many emotions flood me...guilt, sorrow & just plain sadness but also a sense of pride that we have such a wonderful daughter still here. she's learned to say "im a miracle" & its nothing but truth.

we still hear "levees song" (you lift me up by the afters) that was playing in the OR as he was being delivered & its our special connection to him & promise from God on the toughest days.

my bff had a precious little girl on friday & its helped to heal my heart some. after her heartbreaks, seeing this new life in her arms is so comforting. one glorious day, we'll have a lap full of our babies in heaven.

until then, we keep living. and celebrating the hours we got to spend with him. and every year on this day {october 7th} we'll send him balloons to keep his memory alive.

p.s. willow is rocked back to sleep & sleeping soundly :)