<<< dear willow >>>: Meadow Grace

forgive my rambling, it's only been 4 days but there are so many thoughts spinning in my head i need to get them out.

i was SO sick this pregnancy. 3 of my very best friends are also expecting babies and it was so nice to have each others support during that first trimester. i was sick with willow, a little less sick with levee and i was the most sick this time. but as i look back, i think it was a chance for me to really bond with the baby. a way for me to be constantly aware that i was pregnant.

i woke up wednesday morning excited about a play date but with an overwhelming feeling of dread. i texted my bff, and said that i was SO scared and needed her to pray for peace. i told my mom that i thought something was wrong and then sent a message to my doctors office. since i had no negative symptoms, no cramping, no bleeding, NOTHING, i didn't want to sound alarms and deep inside i thought i was maybe just over reacting and being extra sensitive. even though i was in my second trimester, i was never at ease because of levee. we went on to our play date and the doctors office called on the way to say that my appt was in a few hours. william and willow would be able to go also. it was so nice that i got to spend the morning with my dear friend who has experienced losing a baby and could understand my fear.

we met william at his office and drove separately to the doctors office. my stomach was so sick with nerves but i was still positive and upbeat (how could i not be with my precious willow with us!). when i got weighed, my heart sank. total weight gain in 14 weeks, 5 days was .08 of a pound. we waited for just a minute and our sonographer that we had through willows pregnancy came to get us. she was so confident that everything would be fine but i stood outside that little dark room and felt like a dog that hates baths being dragged in. i hesitated before i got up on the table. once i was up there, i covered my face. i just couldn't bear to look if it was another lifeless baby on the screen. william held my hand and i heard willow say "BABY!!". the nurse was moving the ultrasound over my belly saying "come on, come on" and i heard that horrible sound again, silence. i looked at the screen and saw what i feared the most but also expected. my sweet little baby was curled up inside me, no heartbeat, no kicks, no thumb sucking. i wanted so bad to protect william from seeing it but he was so strong. even though i thought that would be the result, the sobs came immediately. i didn't even try to be brave. i just kept saying "i can't believe it" over and over. william handed willow to me and she was still pointing at the screen saying "baby, baby!".
my doctor was out of town but the doctor on call came in to confirm. he took us down the hall to a room and explained what would happen next. when he said we would have surgery the next morning, it felt like a punch in the stomach. with levee, we had days to process it before they took him. i was just getting a few hours.

the next morning, we got there at 6 and got prepped for surgery. our God sent anesthesiologist from church was there for us and i can't even explain how much comfort that brought me knowing someone that would be in there. the nurses kept telling me i wouldn't even remember being brought to the OR and that made me so upset. i WANTED to remember. this was my baby. i wanted to remember everything that i could. so i asked if i could be awake long enough to look around the room and let it sink in. it's still a baby i reminded him. so as they rolled me in, i looked around. i saw the nurses that would be taking care of my baby. i saw the place where they would bring it. and then as i started to cry, they put me to sleep. i remember everything about recovery, too.

since the baby was so tiny, and because of the way they had to get it out, we didn't get to see it or hold it. with levee, we got that time to hold him and to bond but with this one, we spent an hour or two in recovery and then were sent home as if nothing happened. it felt cruel and heartbreaking to be expected to go on with the day as if i hadn't just delivered my child.

we named her meadow grace. it wasn't even a name on our list but when we picture her, she's running through a meadow in heaven. she has long brown curls and she's bare foot. her brother is taking her fishing. my name means "of the royal meadow" and we believe she is running through the most royal meadow of all.

the emotions are completely different with her as they were with levee. i feel so cheated because i didn't get to hold her. we have no physical evidence that she even existed. a pregnancy test and a few sonograms but nothing else.

a couple of weeks ago, i pulled my "levee blanket" out of the dryer and was horrified that i had somehow turned it PINK!!! now i think that it was levees way of "passing it on" to his little sister.

please pray for us as we go through the days/weeks/months of mourning. i will have some testing done down the road to try to find an underlying cause but until then, we will just focus on healing. this has taken it's toll physically, emotionally and maybe even most of all, spiritually.