dear nicu...

i love you.

really.

the nicu was something that we went back and forth

on expecting to encounter.

so i read alot about it and then didn't read at all.

back and forth.

when it came down to delivery day,

my doctor didn't forsee him having to go at all

so i was a bit surprised when he did in fact need it

and even more surprised that he needed it badly.

(he was born just after 37 weeks and boys take longer to get their

lungs nice and ready for the real world. he had a lot of fluid on them and they just weren't fully developed.)

i was scared but mostly because i knew

he'd have some discomfort

(iv, needles, tubes, etc.).

and of course i desperately wanted to hold him.

and it was hard to believe he was really mine

until i was finally able to.

his doctor and nurses were just amazing.

no words could describe our love and appreciation for them.

pretty sure they will always be like family

whether they like it or not. ;)

the nicu fan club is real!

first time seeing him. he had gotten a dose of medicine to mature his lungs and was on the cpap which forces air into the lungs (and makes a very soothing bubbling sound). he also had an iv for glucose.

wanting to hold him so. bad.

big sis checking him out.

that hair. :)

i had really bad neck pain, so my dad helped me hold my head up. :)

we were allowed to touch him, but not stroke him. just a firm hand so he didn't get agitated (his oxygen saturation would drop).

little arm rolls from all the fluid.

saying night night to him. so hard.

day two i had to wait until my doctor made his rounds (ugh) so w facetimed me so i could watch. :)

his first wet diaper. of course i kept it :)

i got to feed him!! (he had been moved from cpap to the high flow canula to NO OXYGEN) during this time!)

proud daddy!

indescribable. first time holding my son.

he didn't "need" skin to skin therapy but momma did. :)

so cozy. one thing i'll never forget our favorite nurse saying to me. i had a really hard time leaving him and asked over and over if he felt lonely. she said "he knows when his momma is here, but doesn't know when you're not here." makes me tear up just thinking about it. perfect reassurance.

got to check his temp and change his diaper!

daddy got a turn on the next shift.

this was called "touch time" when they would check him over, do vitals, change diaper, etc so we would always be in there for that so we could help.

love.

so nice that our friends & family could come in too!

surprise! the doctor originally thought that he'd be there for a week or so. nope. 4 days later, his favorite nurse and chaplain wheeled him into our room! daddy was in on it and i couldn't believe it!

side story: one thing i hadn't planned on "sharing" of levees was his special blanket. we wrapped him up in it when he was born and i have slept with it ever since. the nicu nurses kept asking for something that smelled like me to put in with sutton. i'd tuck something down my shirt but would drop whatever it was every single time. then i realized the one thing that no doubt smelled like me was levees blanket. i had sent it with willow to my parents house to sleep with but had my mom bring it to the hospital. when they wheeled his little bed into our room, he was all tucked in with his big brothers blanket. i've been wrapping him up in it ever since and it feels so right. :) a few days after we got home, i smelled it. it smells like sutton...like a WARM baby. amazing.

first official picture as a family of four. :)