fear.

bout to get real. 

the past few nights i've 

sobbed myself to sleep. 

crippled by fear. 

my pain is getting worse &

the thoughts are flying around 

inside my brain like a storm. 

how much longer do i have?

if it's still a good while,

how can i physically keep doing it?

i'm ready to go Home when 

Jesus is ready for me but

i just don't want my babies 

to know more of this life 

without their momma

than they do with me. 

oh, those babies. 

i see things so differently than i think

a typical person might. 

every single little moment i truly 

1,000% cherish. 

and replay over and over in my head

so i won't forget. :)

the time change?

makes for longer days. 

but those are extra minutes 

WITH my family. 

my first thought when i woke up 

by suttons hungry cry 

early this morning was 

"thank you for another day!". 

that'll shake the tiredness off! 

(that and spark. amen.)

so tonight, it's dark and quiet

and i get that familiar 

tightness and flutter in my chest

and i know that the anxiety 

& the tears are coming. 

so i sneak away to let it 

run it's course. 

except tonight instead of watching

funny youtube clips or reading 

the humor boards on pinterest,

i just listen. 

immediately my mind is flooded 

with scripture. 

for the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

then i see a clear picture of 

Jesus weeping over me

as i'm hunched over and

crying into his forearm. 

feeling how much it hurts Him

to see His little one (me!) so afraid. 

this isn't the spirit He gave me. 

this fear isn't from Him. 

this worry and doubt isn't from Him. 

and i'm His!

woo. 

amazing how seeing/accepting/claiming truth will snap your spirit 

back into alignment with His. 

He's giving me the future that 

He planned for me before i 

was even created. 

not a second of this crazy brain 

condition surprises Him. 

breaks His heart? yeah. 

but because 

He loves me & He knows me, 

He planned this for me. 

so tonight i'm gonna go to sleep 

thankful that i serve 

this precious God. 

who cares enough about ME

to have his arms open for tears. 

and who cries with me. 

because He loves me. :)

night friends.