dear willow,

dear willow,

Monday, November 3, 2014


bout to get real. 

the past few nights i've 
sobbed myself to sleep. 
crippled by fear. 

my pain is getting worse &
the thoughts are flying around 
inside my brain like a storm. 

how much longer do i have?
if it's still a good while,
how can i physically keep doing it?
i'm ready to go Home when 
Jesus is ready for me but
i just don't want my babies 
to know more of this life 
without their momma
than they do with me. 
oh, those babies. 

i see things so differently than i think
a typical person might. 
every single little moment i truly 
1,000% cherish. 
and replay over and over in my head
so i won't forget. :)

the time change?
makes for longer days. 
but those are extra minutes 
WITH my family. 
my first thought when i woke up 
by suttons hungry cry 
early this morning was 
"thank you for another day!". 
that'll shake the tiredness off! 
(that and spark. amen.)

so tonight, it's dark and quiet
and i get that familiar 
tightness and flutter in my chest
and i know that the anxiety 
the tears are coming. 
so i sneak away to let it 
run it's course. 
except tonight instead of watching
funny youtube clips or reading 
the humor boards on pinterest,
i just listen. 

immediately my mind is flooded 
with scripture. 

for the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

then i see a clear picture of 
Jesus weeping over me
as i'm hunched over and
crying into his forearm. 
feeling how much it hurts Him
to see His little one (me!) so afraid. 

this isn't the spirit He gave me. 
this fear isn't from Him. 
this worry and doubt isn't from Him. 
and i'm His!

amazing how seeing/accepting/claiming truth will snap your spirit 
back into alignment with His. 

He's giving me the future that 
He planned for me before i 
was even created. 
not a second of this crazy brain 
condition surprises Him. 
breaks His heart? yeah. 
but because 
He loves me & He knows me, 
He planned this for me. 

so tonight i'm gonna go to sleep 
thankful that i serve 
this precious God. 
who cares enough about ME
to have his arms open for tears. 
and who cries with me. 
because He loves me. :)

night friends. 

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