dear willow,

dear willow,

Friday, March 20, 2015


maybe. :)

13 years years ago this month, 
i started complaining of a terrible headache.
and it never went away.
2 brain surgeries, countless medications, injection treatments and therapies.
i've been able to see the very best doctors in the world
but still so. much. pain.

well, next week, i get to see one more.
he is considered one of the top physicians in the world
and as of last week, he wasn't accepting new patients.
i had researched and researched him so much
so i was pretty devastated.

(here's a video that will show why i love him so much.)

so, imagine how shocked we were,
when we got a phone call on monday
"regarding my appointment on march 26"!?!?
so, next week, i'm getting on a direct flight 
to washington dc and meeting face to face with this man
who could potentially change my life!!

the day before Christmas eve,
my neurosurgeon in new york called and said
that based on my latest scans, i needed surgery (cranio cervical fusion) asap.
of course i was shocked and emotional,
but something just didn't feel right.
i wasn't completely at peace with going back
and i wasn't sure why because they have been amazing.
so the more i researched this new doctor,
i realized that this is who will be doing my next surgery.
he's invented new techniques for this surgery
and has such a high success rate.

i'm going alone because if he says i need surgery soon,
we need to save every bit we can in the mean time.
and that means, i can be a big girl and do this.
i am T E R R I F I E D of flying
but once i get there i will be just fine.
my brother in law is driving from virginia to be with me
(insert ugly crying)
so i will be well taken care of.

a few things to pray for :

extreme peace before and during my flights.
my stomach has been in knots since we found out and i haven't been able to eat much
so please pray for me to be able to rest in His truths.
which for me is that he knew about this before i was every created.
he knew about my crazy brain and my irrational fears.
(although, soaring through the air in a metal tube is so unnatural and i think that is totally a rational fear.) 

clarity during my appointment.
my head gets so bad that i can't really comprehend what's being 
said to me and it's especially important that i can really hear him since it'll just me my ears there.

that i will feel as at peace with this doctor
as i think i will. and it will be clear whether or not
this is the direction to go.

and mostly for my momma heart.
i cry every time i think about being away from my family,
 but am so so so happy they'll be with their precious daddy and my mom.

this has been such a long road.
almost half of my life.
i'm so desperate to be out of this pain
but also know that i am so at peace knowing that 
Jesus loves me.

thank you so so much for any and every prayer.

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